Cybercrime’s subscription box of horrors¶

The cloud revolution promised “frictionless innovation”—and boy, did cybercriminals take that to heart. Just as businesses embraced SaaS and IaaS, the underworld rolled out its own disruptive offerings: Malware-as-a-Service (MaaS), Ransomware-as-a-Service (RaaS), and the ever-popular Crime-as-a-Service (CraaS™). Why bother coding your own exploits when you can just subscribe to someone else’s?

For a modest fee (payable in untraceable crypto, of course), even your grandma’s neighbor can now launch sophisticated attacks with the ease of ordering a pizza. Want to steal credentials? There’s an InfoStealer subscription for that. Fancy holding a company’s data hostage? RaaS kits come with 24/7 support (because even extortionists need good customer service). And let’s not forget botnet rentals—perfect for when you need to DDoS your ex’s favorite gaming server.

The real kicker? While startups pitch “democratizing technology,” MaaS is busy democratizing cybercrime. No skills? No problem! The malware devs handle updates, bug fixes, and even negotiation services (because nothing says “professional” like haggling over Bitcoin ransoms). Meanwhile, security firms counter with equally pricey “solutions” that lock clients into endless subscriptions—because in this war, everyone’s cashing in.

Tongue-in-Cheek PSA:

“Deploy Disaster-Recovery-as-a-Service (DRaaS) to ensure quick recovery in case of an attack.” (Or just pray your backups aren’t also in the cloud.)