Keeping your “smart” devices on a short leash (Real-world examples)¶
Smart TVs – The overly attached streaming addicts¶
Why they’re sketchy:
They insist on tracking what you watch (even that embarrassing “90 Day Fiancé” binge)
Their idea of “smart” is showing you ads for things you just talked about (cough Samsung cough)
Their security updates vanish faster than your willpower during a Netflix marathon
How to tame them:
Cut off their Internet supply (Guest Wi-Fi = TV rehab)
Disable their spy mode:
Samsung: Settings → Support → Terms & Policies → “Viewing Information” → OFF (because no, Samsung, you’re not my therapist)
LG: Settings → All Settings → General → About This TV → “Live Plus” → OFF (it’s neither “live” nor a “plus”)
Give them a dumb friend (Use a Roku/Fire Stick instead—they’re cheaper and less nosy)
Cameras – The overzealous neighborhood watch¶
Why they (Ring, Nest, Eufy) are sketchy:
They’re basically reality TV producers waiting for you to do something awkward
Default passwords = hackers’ all-access pass to your personal “Truman Show”
Cloud storage leaks turn your front door into public access television
How to tame them:
Encrypt their Diaries (Enable E2EE in Nest/Eufy settings)
Two-Factor Everything (Because “password123” isn’t a security strategy)
Give them a blindfold (Physical lens covers > trusting “software off” switches)
Local storage = No Cloud Drama (Like a diary with a lock instead of a Facebook post)
Tip: If your camera requires cloud storage, it is not a security device—it is a subscription service with a lens.
Voice assistants – The eavesdropping “Helpers”¶
Why they (Alexa, Google Home) are sketchy:
They “accidentally” record everything, including that time you sang Disney songs in the shower
Their “skills” are just loopholes for data mining (looking at you, “Fun Cat Facts”)
A hacked Alexa could theoretically order 100 pizzas or—worse—play Nickelback on loop
How to tame them:
Mute the Mic (Hardware switch = the digital equivalent of “I can’t hear you, la la la”)
Auto-delete their “Notes” (Set recordings to delete every 3 months)
Block their Internet After Bedtime (Because even assistants need curfews)
Audit their “Skills” (Delete “Burp Sound Generator”—it is not worth the privacy trade)
Smart appliances that definitely don’t need Internet¶
The “Big Brother” fridge¶
Why? Your Samsung “Family Hub” fridge has no business checking emails, playing Spotify, or judging your midnight snack habits.
Risk: Leaks Wi-Fi passwords (yes, this happened).
Fix: If it can’t survive without internet, it is not a fridge—it is a spy. Block it.
The Roomba that sells your floor plan¶
Why? iRobot once planned to sell mapping data to advertisers. Your vacuum shouldn’t moonlight as a real estate scout.
Risk: “Oops, your cleaning bot just uploaded your home’s blueprint to the cloud.”
Fix: Use local-only mode (if available) or block its Wi-Fi.
The “Helpful” smart microwave¶
Why? Unless you’re reheating pizza via Alexa (why?!), your microwave doesn’t need Wi-Fi.
Risk: Firmware hacks that turn it into a popcorn machine at 3 AM.
Fix: Unplug it from Wi-Fi. If it complains, remind it it is a microwave.
The Toaster that DMs you¶
Why? Yes, smart toasters exist. No, you don’t need Twitter on your breakfast.
Risk: Gets hacked, burns your toast on purpose.
Fix: Throw it out. Buy a $20 toaster. Live free.
The washing machine with a PhD in data mining¶
Why? LG’s smart washers track your “laundry habits.” Spoiler: They’re boring.
Risk: “Your detergent subscription is now $50/month because you wash socks too often.”
Fix: Disable Wi-Fi. It is a washing machine, not a Silicon Valley startup.
2025’s worst connected offenders¶
The “Emotional Support” fridge¶
Why? Samsung’s new AI Nutrition Therapist fridge now analyses your food choices and suggests “guilt-free alternatives” via the door screen
2025 Risk: Fridge-to-psychiatrist data sharing (now with 20% more judgment)
Fix: Tape over the camera and connect it to your IoT Prison Network
The Roomba with social media¶
Why? iRobot’s new “FloorTok” feature shares your floor cleanliness score with “similar households”
2025 Absurdity: Vacuums now offer cleaning subscription tiers
Fix: Use the new “Dumb Mode” (requires physical switch under the device)
LG’s smart closet¶
Why? Tracks which clothes you wear least and automatically donates them (yes, this is real now)
2025 Risk: Your favorite band tee might disappear because you “haven’t worn it in 3 months”
Fix: Remove the WiFi module (or just buy a normal closet)
Honorable mentions (Because why do these even exist?)¶
Smart salt shakers (Yes, really)
Wi-Fi pet feeders (Your cat doesn’t need an app. She owns you.)
“Smart” water bottles (Congratulations. Your water bottle has more RAM than your first laptop.)
Smart toilets (Because hackers definitely won’t prank-flush at 3 AM…)
Smart forks (No, your eating habits don’t need a cloud backup)